i've been thinking a lot lately about addictions. i was at the work the other day and simon and garfunkel's "mrs. robinson" came on. i've never been real big into old rock, but i really like this song and a lot of their other work too. i remember hearing this song on the radio with my mom when i was little and not really thinking too, too much about it. i'm the kind of listener who doesn't pay much attention to the words of a song for a really long time, sometimes never. pretty much if i don't like the overall sound of a song and no one is pushing me i might not ever actually really listen to the words and learn them. any way at some point is time i learned that "mrs. robinson" was "supposed" to be about an older woman having an affair with a much younger, i think under-aged boy (all this i think is supposed to be based off a movie called "mrs. robinson" but i haven't seen it myself so this could be all wrong). really though there, as far as i can tell any way, isn't anything in the song itself to suggest that its about a middle aged woman and an affair of hers. it was Him who made me realize all this.
it was a few years back that me and Him were talking about this song for some reason. I told him the interpretation that I'd grown up hearing and He told me His version, a version that He'd come up with on His own based on actually listening to the words. He told me he thought it was about a woman's addiction to drugs. He citing "heaven holds a place for those who pray" and "we'd like to help you help yourself." we talked about it and the next time I had a chance I looked up lyrics and played the song. with His thoughts in my head this time instead of my mom's it did sound to me like it was about drugs.
recently i've been thinking about drugs and addictions. i've watched people that i care about and seen a little bit of what their relationship to drugs has done to them. one friend of mine R.D. stands out especially prominent to me right now. i saw him again for the first time in a couple years a few weeks ago. we started hanging out. when we first started spending time together i told him about all of my problems and he let me into his life a little too, but then things got complicated i guess and it seems to me like he's not interested in seeing or talking to me anymore. anyway he let me into his life a little, told me about his struggles with anxiety, and some of his personal experiences with drugs. at the time he was trying to break his old habits. right now i don't know what he's trying to do. i hear things but i don't know what. i know that i want good things for R.D. but that he's not talking to me. i know that he could do so much, that he's already done so much, that he doesn't have enough self respect, that he doesn't see he could be such an inspiration and already is. i want good things for him and i think he does too but its hard. i feel like his pushing me away is him trying to protect me; i respect him for this and love him for it too. i'm sorry for any way in which i've let him down. i'm sorry for any moments in which i mislead myself to him. i'm sorry for any harm at all that i've done you. i love and respect you so much and want good for you, nothing but good. i really want to be your friend. i feel like that is the best thing that i can and ever could, even if everything even years ago had gone differently, cause in the end i feel like that is the best thing any of us can have.
I feel right now that I am suffering from an addiction too. this past week me and Him have been spending some time together and it has gone well in that we haven't had any fights, but its not all that it could be and that is sad. in the past months though our interactions by and large have not gone well. I've been upset when I haven't gotten to spend more time with Him. when he's not been an active part in my life is when i've felt my worse. during those periods when I haven't seen or talked to Him in several weeks I start to finally start feeling better, be productive, and be interested in other people too, but whenever He reenters my life i get pulled back into it. in days I go from self-respecting and empowered back to the girl who has let herself become nothing. who decided to live through Him instead of live herself. it doesn't surprise me at all when I see how poorly I've acted why He hasn't wanted to be with me when I'm like that. I don't like me when I'm like that and I don't want to be like that. I want to be with Him, but I'm not sure if we can have a healthy relationship. I'm trying now, but its hard cause even though we're not fighting we're not good like we used to be either.
right now we're not good together even though we're not bad. if He were to walk out of my life again I would not be good either, at least not for a few weeks and even then being functional doesn't mean being good, just functional, for what its worth. right now I'm choosing to think that at least part of why He has hurt me is Him trying to protect me. this is my rationale for why I'm trying to just let the ugly parts of our past be past. its not in my nature and I think that they'll have to be addressed at sometime, but maybe not just yet. maybe if we, really I, can put it off for a little while, maybe when we do have to address it we'll be in a place where we can handle it, get closer, be good again. I don't know.
this is my addiction. i am addicted. addicted to Him. I don't think it has to be like this though. I'm trying to know who I've been, who I've been before that, know who I am, and be who I want to be. I would appreciate your thoughts, advice, and suggestions.
thank-you
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