normally i'm the kinda person who has a million question. i'm curious, really curious, and about just about everything. when i don't understand something i keep picking and picking and picking until i finally think i have my head wrapped around what ever it is that i want to understand, but right now, with Him, i'm not doing that. i don't really know whats going on. i don't know what He's thinking or wanting, but a lot more than normal i don't care. i mean i do but not enough to pick. i mean at least part of that is me not asking cause i know it will just annoy Him and push Him away, but that's rarely stopped me in the past so i know its more than that. i think a lot of why i'm not asking him all those questions is cause i don't know how i'm feeling about all those same question, but more than that. i care but not like i did. i just keep feeling like i'd be happier without Him, but i don't think i want to feel that, so i've been sorta cutting my mind off as much as i can and not asking him what he thinks. its like its already over but i'm not saying anything about it cause of not being ready for it to end and maybe too start something new.
i have been thinking though about some of the experiences that i feel like i've been missing. i think a lot about not being able to experience other people. i've thought about maybe suggesting an open relationship cause of being curious to experience other people but am pretty sure i wouldn't want to share Him. from the start He had been completely mine, i'd had to work hard to keep Him, and don't think we'd stay together anyway if we tried an open relationship. i don't know. right now though i don't think anything other than what we're doing would work, but at the same time i know this wont keep working for long.
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