i've been struggling, am struggling with who i am and who i want to be. i want to be strong and full of self respect, but i feel like right now i'm compromising strength and self respect for docility in an attempt to preserve whatever is left of me and His relationship. i don't want to give in to weakness. i don't like that person. i've been that person off and on, but almost exclusively on for the past maybe three years or so and i don't want it. i don't like it and i don't respect it.
a few days ago i made my facebook status "reclaiming the word 'bitch' and loving it." this morning His step-dad R.S told me that it "didn't suit me." what he meant was that i'm supposed to be a nice little girl who doesn't use words like that, who is quiet, pretty, non-confrontational, but that's not what i want, not for myself, not for anyone really i don't think.
a few weeks ago i saw a documentary on Nicki Minaj. i really respect her as an artist. at one point she kinda went off about someone not having been as prepared for some professional obligation that they had asked her for. she said that when she goes off about stuff not being right it makes her a "bitch" but when her male peers, specifically Drake and Lil Wayne, go off about stuff not being right that they're a "boss" and that there's nothing negative about being a "boss" whereas no one likes a "bitch." she wants to change that. she said at some point when you become as successful and influential as she is that you have to realize that there are things bigger than yourself. her goal is to be the first big female rapper and she's gonna do it. she already is doing it. even if she weren't an amazing artist this would be enough for me to respect her. i want to be more like her in these ways. I want to own who I am the way Nicki is.
I want to own myself. I am a young girl/woman. I am an artist, a choreographer, a dancer, a performer, and apparently a writer too. I am a girl and I am curious. I like sex, actually I love it. I love the physicality of it, the touch, the texture, the heat, the sound, the expression. I know what I want and when I don't know or aren't completely sure I wont stop till I figure it out; then I will ask for it, and if I really want it and you wont give it to me even though I deserve it I will cut you out of my life cause I am ambitious and I want what I am worth and deserve. I am worth it all. you're worth it too, everyone is, or at least those who are honest and fair and try to be good, really, really try are worth it, and again if you're not worth it then I don't need or want to have anything to do with you. I'm not asking for perfection just honesty and goodness. I don't use certain words either, like "fag" or "nigger." I don't use other words negatively either, like gay, queer, and retarded. to do so is insensitive and judgemental and I wont be like that, and if somehow I do act insensitive and judgemental like that then I want to be called out so that I can correct myself.
I used to be honest, all but completely, completely honest and I will be like that again, effective immediately. I will not compromise myself or my values any longer. I will be me. I will be ME. I will be me and whoever doesn't agree with it can do just that, because its time that I stop compromising values and ideals and start owning myself, flaws and all, for who I am. I may be loud, "overemotional," and "too sensitive," but I really don't care because this is me. this is me and this is good. this is who I am happy to be even when I'm not as happy as I'd like to be.
I am a bitch and I do love it. I love you too, but it just so happens that right now I'm going to take the time to love myself a little more.
* this the post that i wrote a few moments ago and thought i'd lost, but here it is!
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