so i just woke up a little while ago and already feel bad. its like its already the end of the day. it used to be that i'd wake up feeling pretty good and that it was by the end of the day, after going through all that day's mess and after having had time to think about all of the mess of yesterdays that i'd feel down or whatever, but instead i woke up today feeling the way i usually go to bed bad days.
it's a crappy feeling. i just feel generally bad and annoyed. i feel like i'm starting everything off in the hole, a relatively deep hole too, and i have to climb myself out.
i feel like there's a lot of stuff i need to be doing right now, but i don't want to do any of it. i don't want to call the girl about the apartment in greensboro, i don't want to do the test out assignments, i don't want to fill out all my financial aid information. i want to just feel good. i want to be able to call Him, tell Him i'm just nto feeling good today, and Him come spend time with me. it used to be that just talking to Him and seeing Him was enough to put me in a good mood, but now i'm not really talking to Him about how i'm feeling.
the way i explained it a friend the other day is he's just not into talking really at all anymore and that i'm just not interested in talking right now cause i don't really know how i feel, but that's not completely true cause i do know i feel bad. today, or at least this morning anyway i feel bad. i don't completely know why but at the same time its hard not to imagine that i wouldn't be feeling at least a little better if i'd at least woken up next to Him.
i was hoping writing would make me feel a little better and it did a little, but now i think i need a more mindless distraction. mindless isn't really right, just less personal. right now i need a less personal distraction.
i've been listening a lot to pop radio music lately. sometimes i want to go on car rides just so i can listen and stare out the window (i'd usually rather ride than drive, easier to let someone else to all the work and just be able to sit back). i really like going on rides with my mom, or at least i like them when she'll let me just sit back and listen to music. a lot of the time she wants to talk and i don't want to, i don't want her judgement, but i don't want to argue either. still on the whole i'd say i'd rather drive around quiet with her than by myself which i guess is hypocritical cause whenever i'm with Him and he just wants to be quiet i take it so personally and get hurt and upset. He says i'm too sensitive.
last night He hurt me. we were in town and He'd just smoked. He'd asked me if i wanted to but i didn't. i like smoking but not as often as he does and the thought of it just made me feel sick then. if i'd smoked we probably would have sat and talked for a while, but it seemed like since i didn't that He just wanted to drop me off and head on "home." anyway that part doesn't matter, the part that matters is when one of His friends showed up and the moment i started telling him goodnight He jumped up and got out of the truck before i'd* even had a chance to get out myself and started walking away. He doesn't see how it hurts me for Him to walk away from me, completely disengaged, already in his head somewhere else before I'm ready to leave a moment. it's disrespectful and hurtful but He doesn't see it. He does this kind of thing all the time and it doesn't matter if I talk to him about it cause He'll just say that I'm being to sensitive. it hurts. that's the kind of thing that sticks with you too. that was pretty much the last thing that happened to me before I came home. after He left me there in the truck I got out, say "hey" to his friends, got in my car, and went to my respective "home." after that saw my parents but didn't talk to them, didn't feel up to it, took my medication, maybe wrote a little, and went to bed, and now its the next morning and i woke up feeling all sour. I don't know.
I don't know. I think today i'm gonna try to buy a copy of edgar allen poe's work. I remember liking the bits that I read. he seems like an interesting person and I guess I think I'd like to get to know him and his work.
* initially I decided to capitalize "he," "him," and "his" when referring to Him to distinguish Him from anyone else since I don't feel like describing Him directly yet, but I feel like to capitalize Him and not me, or "I" rather might be patronizing and degrading to myself. I'm not sure that it is, but I don't want to take the risk, so even though I don't care about capital "i"s in the personal sense I'm gonna start capitalizing them anyway from the seeking empowerment and self-respect perspective.
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