its pretty weird not knowing what you should feel like or should think. its even weirder not not knowing what you do feel or do think. really its more scary than weird. to be so full of questions "normally" and then to sudden be caught mute with out any impulse to do or act or think because of being too scared at not recognizing yourself even as a "familiar acquaintance."
the first time that i am currently aware of not knowing myself was about a month ago. i layed there and it enveloped me. the longer i layed there with my eyes closed (closing your eyes is a very dangerous thing. in some ways its such a comfort: you get to block out all of the external world or at least as much as your mind will let you. but in other ways it is a terrible thing, because there is nothing, absolutely nothing around to distract you from yourself. on this day closing my eyes felt like a terrible thing.) the deeper i felt ignorant of who i was, who i was supposed to be, who i had been, who i'd thought i'd been.
its funny, figuring out and/or deciding who it is you are and are going to be. its funny how much who you're with makes a difference. i first felt this funniness after He left.* we were still together after all, but physically i was completely alone for the first time, give or take a few months at a time, in almost three years. i knew that i had "learned" from Him, "grown" and a bunch of other nice, positive things too, but it wasn't until a few months after He'd left that i started to see the most striking simularities in how i was acting now that He was gonna be gone for a good while and how i had acted before i'd ever met Him, been friends with Him, let Him into my future, changed myself for Him (sometimes at His direct request but more often at what i sensed, acurately or not, to be His subconscious request)... it was while He was gone* that i first started to see who i could have been, who it seemed that at least on some level i still was, without Him.
its dificult now, cause now i have some awareness that i've not been and still aren't completely "myself" who ever that person may be. there's so much that i'm curious about, mostly physical curiosities, that i don't feel free to explore if we stay together, but its not really far to blame this sense of restriction on Him, i don't think, cause i feel like they're restrictions that i'm imposing on myself, but this is something different.
the other day as i laid there, in His arms, with my eyes closed most of the time, not knowing who i was, it was terrifying. it sent me into what at the time i though was the first panic attack that i'd had in around ten months, a few months after He'd left* and i was at school and just not adjusting well to being what i thought was alone. thats another thing i realized when i reflected on this attack later: this was not the first attack i'd had since last november/december bach when i'd get them daily, this was just the first one that had come up out of no where, that i didn't have a specific event to explain, and i was somehow rational enough to recognize while it was happening which is probably a lot of why it was as frightening as it was and lasted so long.
any way, i don't know. there is just a lot that i don't know right now, or don't want to know maybe. its like i think i know whats right,** what's gonna allow me to be most like the strong, empowered person that i have been, but that means giving up on having an accurate perception of the last four years. i'm not afraid of "having made a mistake" cause thats not what i feel that i've done (i kinda probably don't believe in mistakes) just to have had such poor, poor perception of pretty much everything is really upsetting.
if you ever find that you don't "know" "yourself" i'd figure that it will be terrifying. i guess my advice is to try to be excited about it cause its kinda like a chance to start over, kinda, but also to pay attention cause even though its exciting i'd think you wouldn't want to end up in that same place very many times.
* i reckon this warrents furth explanation, but some other time.
** also something i don't feel like getting into right now, probably for my own "protection"
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