so you know that old cliche that at some point in our lives we all wake up to learn that somehow over the past thousand or so nights we slowly and subconciously, but nevertheless certainly morphed into our parents? well in the past few weeks i've been seeing a lot of my mom in me, a lot of the parts of my mom that i don't like all that much.
a few days ago He told me that He'd started lying to me cause I made it difficult for Him to tell me the truth, that I was too judgemental (this is at least somewhat directed at Him starting smoking while He was deployeed without telling me, despite PROMISING me that He wouldn't). in part I think this is an excuse for Him to cop out, but even if it is an excuse there's probably some truth to it. I feel like even if I made it difficult for Him that this in not an adequate excuse. I mean I did stay faithful the whole tweleve months that He was gone. its hard for me to accept that its okay for Him to just break His promises to me when I held true to my side.
a long time ago when i got my first minimum-wage part time job i quickly realized that i was still gonna be making minimum wage reguardless of how much harder and better i worked than my co-workers who did just enough to get by. in fact i actually got PUNISHED for my incompetancy with more responsibility. right now I feel like I am being treated the same in my relationship with Him. I'm not completely sure that He's aware of how unfairly He is treating me, but even if He's not He should be. it should be clear to anyone. I think this is a lot of why being around Him so often brings out the worst in me anymore.
allowing Him to treat me unfairly is also something I get from my mom. right now i have a really good relationship with my pop, but when i was much younger i hated him. from my perspective my mom was always really unhappy and it was his fault. i know nothing is ever, or at least rarely one persons fault, but it always seemed like my pop was primarily at fault (hard to blame someone for being hurt and unhappy when they get cheated on, multiple times too). i knew my mom was really, really unhappy pretty much all the time and it was cause of him. i remember hearing her say in a fight they had once that they should have split up long before i was ever born. she was always so sad and hurt and broken, but she stayed with him. she stayed with him and i don't think it was "for me and my brother's sake." i think it was cause she was too desperate and broken to give up what little part of him she still had. my mom let my pop make her weak. i think some part of my mom will always hate me for having picked* Him, committing myself, my identity, and my future to Him. my pop has made my mom weak that way I'm letting Him make me weak now. its wrong. its wrong to treat the one you "love" badly, to hurt them so much; but its also wrong to let yourself continue to be hurt like this. I need to set a deadline on how long I'm going to go on like this.
maybe valentine's day? probably not a good idea since i'll probably put extra pressure on our relationship at that time. by the end of february?
o and i see a lot of good things about my mom in me too. my mom is a feminist. she is strong willed. she is smart, educated, determined, acomplished, and more. i am also a feminist and i owe a lot of my early feminist exposure to her. i love and respect my mom. i don't agree with her on a lot of things, but she has strong opinions and sticks to them. that on its own is worth respecting.
*i did a little bit more than just "pick" Him
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