so you know that old cliche that at some point in our lives we all wake up to learn that somehow over the past thousand or so nights we slowly and subconciously, but nevertheless certainly morphed into our parents? well in the past few weeks i've been seeing a lot of my mom in me, a lot of the parts of my mom that i don't like all that much.
a few days ago He told me that He'd started lying to me cause I made it difficult for Him to tell me the truth, that I was too judgemental (this is at least somewhat directed at Him starting smoking while He was deployeed without telling me, despite PROMISING me that He wouldn't). in part I think this is an excuse for Him to cop out, but even if it is an excuse there's probably some truth to it. I feel like even if I made it difficult for Him that this in not an adequate excuse. I mean I did stay faithful the whole tweleve months that He was gone. its hard for me to accept that its okay for Him to just break His promises to me when I held true to my side.
a long time ago when i got my first minimum-wage part time job i quickly realized that i was still gonna be making minimum wage reguardless of how much harder and better i worked than my co-workers who did just enough to get by. in fact i actually got PUNISHED for my incompetancy with more responsibility. right now I feel like I am being treated the same in my relationship with Him. I'm not completely sure that He's aware of how unfairly He is treating me, but even if He's not He should be. it should be clear to anyone. I think this is a lot of why being around Him so often brings out the worst in me anymore.
allowing Him to treat me unfairly is also something I get from my mom. right now i have a really good relationship with my pop, but when i was much younger i hated him. from my perspective my mom was always really unhappy and it was his fault. i know nothing is ever, or at least rarely one persons fault, but it always seemed like my pop was primarily at fault (hard to blame someone for being hurt and unhappy when they get cheated on, multiple times too). i knew my mom was really, really unhappy pretty much all the time and it was cause of him. i remember hearing her say in a fight they had once that they should have split up long before i was ever born. she was always so sad and hurt and broken, but she stayed with him. she stayed with him and i don't think it was "for me and my brother's sake." i think it was cause she was too desperate and broken to give up what little part of him she still had. my mom let my pop make her weak. i think some part of my mom will always hate me for having picked* Him, committing myself, my identity, and my future to Him. my pop has made my mom weak that way I'm letting Him make me weak now. its wrong. its wrong to treat the one you "love" badly, to hurt them so much; but its also wrong to let yourself continue to be hurt like this. I need to set a deadline on how long I'm going to go on like this.
maybe valentine's day? probably not a good idea since i'll probably put extra pressure on our relationship at that time. by the end of february?
o and i see a lot of good things about my mom in me too. my mom is a feminist. she is strong willed. she is smart, educated, determined, acomplished, and more. i am also a feminist and i owe a lot of my early feminist exposure to her. i love and respect my mom. i don't agree with her on a lot of things, but she has strong opinions and sticks to them. that on its own is worth respecting.
*i did a little bit more than just "pick" Him
Monday, December 27, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
This person that i am and will be (the post that i thought i'd lost)
i've been struggling, am struggling with who i am and who i want to be. i want to be strong and full of self respect, but i feel like right now i'm compromising strength and self respect for docility in an attempt to preserve whatever is left of me and His relationship. i don't want to give in to weakness. i don't like that person. i've been that person off and on, but almost exclusively on for the past maybe three years or so and i don't want it. i don't like it and i don't respect it.
a few days ago i made my facebook status "reclaiming the word 'bitch' and loving it." this morning His step-dad R.S told me that it "didn't suit me." what he meant was that i'm supposed to be a nice little girl who doesn't use words like that, who is quiet, pretty, non-confrontational, but that's not what i want, not for myself, not for anyone really i don't think.
a few weeks ago i saw a documentary on Nicki Minaj. i really respect her as an artist. at one point she kinda went off about someone not having been as prepared for some professional obligation that they had asked her for. she said that when she goes off about stuff not being right it makes her a "bitch" but when her male peers, specifically Drake and Lil Wayne, go off about stuff not being right that they're a "boss" and that there's nothing negative about being a "boss" whereas no one likes a "bitch." she wants to change that. she said at some point when you become as successful and influential as she is that you have to realize that there are things bigger than yourself. her goal is to be the first big female rapper and she's gonna do it. she already is doing it. even if she weren't an amazing artist this would be enough for me to respect her. i want to be more like her in these ways. I want to own who I am the way Nicki is.
I want to own myself. I am a young girl/woman. I am an artist, a choreographer, a dancer, a performer, and apparently a writer too. I am a girl and I am curious. I like sex, actually I love it. I love the physicality of it, the touch, the texture, the heat, the sound, the expression. I know what I want and when I don't know or aren't completely sure I wont stop till I figure it out; then I will ask for it, and if I really want it and you wont give it to me even though I deserve it I will cut you out of my life cause I am ambitious and I want what I am worth and deserve. I am worth it all. you're worth it too, everyone is, or at least those who are honest and fair and try to be good, really, really try are worth it, and again if you're not worth it then I don't need or want to have anything to do with you. I'm not asking for perfection just honesty and goodness. I don't use certain words either, like "fag" or "nigger." I don't use other words negatively either, like gay, queer, and retarded. to do so is insensitive and judgemental and I wont be like that, and if somehow I do act insensitive and judgemental like that then I want to be called out so that I can correct myself.
I used to be honest, all but completely, completely honest and I will be like that again, effective immediately. I will not compromise myself or my values any longer. I will be me. I will be ME. I will be me and whoever doesn't agree with it can do just that, because its time that I stop compromising values and ideals and start owning myself, flaws and all, for who I am. I may be loud, "overemotional," and "too sensitive," but I really don't care because this is me. this is me and this is good. this is who I am happy to be even when I'm not as happy as I'd like to be.
I am a bitch and I do love it. I love you too, but it just so happens that right now I'm going to take the time to love myself a little more.
* this the post that i wrote a few moments ago and thought i'd lost, but here it is!
a few days ago i made my facebook status "reclaiming the word 'bitch' and loving it." this morning His step-dad R.S told me that it "didn't suit me." what he meant was that i'm supposed to be a nice little girl who doesn't use words like that, who is quiet, pretty, non-confrontational, but that's not what i want, not for myself, not for anyone really i don't think.
a few weeks ago i saw a documentary on Nicki Minaj. i really respect her as an artist. at one point she kinda went off about someone not having been as prepared for some professional obligation that they had asked her for. she said that when she goes off about stuff not being right it makes her a "bitch" but when her male peers, specifically Drake and Lil Wayne, go off about stuff not being right that they're a "boss" and that there's nothing negative about being a "boss" whereas no one likes a "bitch." she wants to change that. she said at some point when you become as successful and influential as she is that you have to realize that there are things bigger than yourself. her goal is to be the first big female rapper and she's gonna do it. she already is doing it. even if she weren't an amazing artist this would be enough for me to respect her. i want to be more like her in these ways. I want to own who I am the way Nicki is.
I want to own myself. I am a young girl/woman. I am an artist, a choreographer, a dancer, a performer, and apparently a writer too. I am a girl and I am curious. I like sex, actually I love it. I love the physicality of it, the touch, the texture, the heat, the sound, the expression. I know what I want and when I don't know or aren't completely sure I wont stop till I figure it out; then I will ask for it, and if I really want it and you wont give it to me even though I deserve it I will cut you out of my life cause I am ambitious and I want what I am worth and deserve. I am worth it all. you're worth it too, everyone is, or at least those who are honest and fair and try to be good, really, really try are worth it, and again if you're not worth it then I don't need or want to have anything to do with you. I'm not asking for perfection just honesty and goodness. I don't use certain words either, like "fag" or "nigger." I don't use other words negatively either, like gay, queer, and retarded. to do so is insensitive and judgemental and I wont be like that, and if somehow I do act insensitive and judgemental like that then I want to be called out so that I can correct myself.
I used to be honest, all but completely, completely honest and I will be like that again, effective immediately. I will not compromise myself or my values any longer. I will be me. I will be ME. I will be me and whoever doesn't agree with it can do just that, because its time that I stop compromising values and ideals and start owning myself, flaws and all, for who I am. I may be loud, "overemotional," and "too sensitive," but I really don't care because this is me. this is me and this is good. this is who I am happy to be even when I'm not as happy as I'd like to be.
I am a bitch and I do love it. I love you too, but it just so happens that right now I'm going to take the time to love myself a little more.
* this the post that i wrote a few moments ago and thought i'd lost, but here it is!
A post unposted
so just wrote a post all about me and who I am and want to be but lost it all due to a technical malfunction. i was feeling really good having put all my thoughts down and just like that they're gone. its upsetting that everything i just expressed is gone, but its still good to have expressed it. still i wish it were here for me to see with my own eyes so that i could look back on it whenever i wanted, proof of what I thought and felt at least for a moment.
o well
o well
Friday, December 24, 2010
What is an addict and who is an addiction?
i've been thinking a lot lately about addictions. i was at the work the other day and simon and garfunkel's "mrs. robinson" came on. i've never been real big into old rock, but i really like this song and a lot of their other work too. i remember hearing this song on the radio with my mom when i was little and not really thinking too, too much about it. i'm the kind of listener who doesn't pay much attention to the words of a song for a really long time, sometimes never. pretty much if i don't like the overall sound of a song and no one is pushing me i might not ever actually really listen to the words and learn them. any way at some point is time i learned that "mrs. robinson" was "supposed" to be about an older woman having an affair with a much younger, i think under-aged boy (all this i think is supposed to be based off a movie called "mrs. robinson" but i haven't seen it myself so this could be all wrong). really though there, as far as i can tell any way, isn't anything in the song itself to suggest that its about a middle aged woman and an affair of hers. it was Him who made me realize all this.
it was a few years back that me and Him were talking about this song for some reason. I told him the interpretation that I'd grown up hearing and He told me His version, a version that He'd come up with on His own based on actually listening to the words. He told me he thought it was about a woman's addiction to drugs. He citing "heaven holds a place for those who pray" and "we'd like to help you help yourself." we talked about it and the next time I had a chance I looked up lyrics and played the song. with His thoughts in my head this time instead of my mom's it did sound to me like it was about drugs.
recently i've been thinking about drugs and addictions. i've watched people that i care about and seen a little bit of what their relationship to drugs has done to them. one friend of mine R.D. stands out especially prominent to me right now. i saw him again for the first time in a couple years a few weeks ago. we started hanging out. when we first started spending time together i told him about all of my problems and he let me into his life a little too, but then things got complicated i guess and it seems to me like he's not interested in seeing or talking to me anymore. anyway he let me into his life a little, told me about his struggles with anxiety, and some of his personal experiences with drugs. at the time he was trying to break his old habits. right now i don't know what he's trying to do. i hear things but i don't know what. i know that i want good things for R.D. but that he's not talking to me. i know that he could do so much, that he's already done so much, that he doesn't have enough self respect, that he doesn't see he could be such an inspiration and already is. i want good things for him and i think he does too but its hard. i feel like his pushing me away is him trying to protect me; i respect him for this and love him for it too. i'm sorry for any way in which i've let him down. i'm sorry for any moments in which i mislead myself to him. i'm sorry for any harm at all that i've done you. i love and respect you so much and want good for you, nothing but good. i really want to be your friend. i feel like that is the best thing that i can and ever could, even if everything even years ago had gone differently, cause in the end i feel like that is the best thing any of us can have.
I feel right now that I am suffering from an addiction too. this past week me and Him have been spending some time together and it has gone well in that we haven't had any fights, but its not all that it could be and that is sad. in the past months though our interactions by and large have not gone well. I've been upset when I haven't gotten to spend more time with Him. when he's not been an active part in my life is when i've felt my worse. during those periods when I haven't seen or talked to Him in several weeks I start to finally start feeling better, be productive, and be interested in other people too, but whenever He reenters my life i get pulled back into it. in days I go from self-respecting and empowered back to the girl who has let herself become nothing. who decided to live through Him instead of live herself. it doesn't surprise me at all when I see how poorly I've acted why He hasn't wanted to be with me when I'm like that. I don't like me when I'm like that and I don't want to be like that. I want to be with Him, but I'm not sure if we can have a healthy relationship. I'm trying now, but its hard cause even though we're not fighting we're not good like we used to be either.
right now we're not good together even though we're not bad. if He were to walk out of my life again I would not be good either, at least not for a few weeks and even then being functional doesn't mean being good, just functional, for what its worth. right now I'm choosing to think that at least part of why He has hurt me is Him trying to protect me. this is my rationale for why I'm trying to just let the ugly parts of our past be past. its not in my nature and I think that they'll have to be addressed at sometime, but maybe not just yet. maybe if we, really I, can put it off for a little while, maybe when we do have to address it we'll be in a place where we can handle it, get closer, be good again. I don't know.
this is my addiction. i am addicted. addicted to Him. I don't think it has to be like this though. I'm trying to know who I've been, who I've been before that, know who I am, and be who I want to be. I would appreciate your thoughts, advice, and suggestions.
thank-you
it was a few years back that me and Him were talking about this song for some reason. I told him the interpretation that I'd grown up hearing and He told me His version, a version that He'd come up with on His own based on actually listening to the words. He told me he thought it was about a woman's addiction to drugs. He citing "heaven holds a place for those who pray" and "we'd like to help you help yourself." we talked about it and the next time I had a chance I looked up lyrics and played the song. with His thoughts in my head this time instead of my mom's it did sound to me like it was about drugs.
recently i've been thinking about drugs and addictions. i've watched people that i care about and seen a little bit of what their relationship to drugs has done to them. one friend of mine R.D. stands out especially prominent to me right now. i saw him again for the first time in a couple years a few weeks ago. we started hanging out. when we first started spending time together i told him about all of my problems and he let me into his life a little too, but then things got complicated i guess and it seems to me like he's not interested in seeing or talking to me anymore. anyway he let me into his life a little, told me about his struggles with anxiety, and some of his personal experiences with drugs. at the time he was trying to break his old habits. right now i don't know what he's trying to do. i hear things but i don't know what. i know that i want good things for R.D. but that he's not talking to me. i know that he could do so much, that he's already done so much, that he doesn't have enough self respect, that he doesn't see he could be such an inspiration and already is. i want good things for him and i think he does too but its hard. i feel like his pushing me away is him trying to protect me; i respect him for this and love him for it too. i'm sorry for any way in which i've let him down. i'm sorry for any moments in which i mislead myself to him. i'm sorry for any harm at all that i've done you. i love and respect you so much and want good for you, nothing but good. i really want to be your friend. i feel like that is the best thing that i can and ever could, even if everything even years ago had gone differently, cause in the end i feel like that is the best thing any of us can have.
I feel right now that I am suffering from an addiction too. this past week me and Him have been spending some time together and it has gone well in that we haven't had any fights, but its not all that it could be and that is sad. in the past months though our interactions by and large have not gone well. I've been upset when I haven't gotten to spend more time with Him. when he's not been an active part in my life is when i've felt my worse. during those periods when I haven't seen or talked to Him in several weeks I start to finally start feeling better, be productive, and be interested in other people too, but whenever He reenters my life i get pulled back into it. in days I go from self-respecting and empowered back to the girl who has let herself become nothing. who decided to live through Him instead of live herself. it doesn't surprise me at all when I see how poorly I've acted why He hasn't wanted to be with me when I'm like that. I don't like me when I'm like that and I don't want to be like that. I want to be with Him, but I'm not sure if we can have a healthy relationship. I'm trying now, but its hard cause even though we're not fighting we're not good like we used to be either.
right now we're not good together even though we're not bad. if He were to walk out of my life again I would not be good either, at least not for a few weeks and even then being functional doesn't mean being good, just functional, for what its worth. right now I'm choosing to think that at least part of why He has hurt me is Him trying to protect me. this is my rationale for why I'm trying to just let the ugly parts of our past be past. its not in my nature and I think that they'll have to be addressed at sometime, but maybe not just yet. maybe if we, really I, can put it off for a little while, maybe when we do have to address it we'll be in a place where we can handle it, get closer, be good again. I don't know.
this is my addiction. i am addicted. addicted to Him. I don't think it has to be like this though. I'm trying to know who I've been, who I've been before that, know who I am, and be who I want to be. I would appreciate your thoughts, advice, and suggestions.
thank-you
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Waking up sour
so i just woke up a little while ago and already feel bad. its like its already the end of the day. it used to be that i'd wake up feeling pretty good and that it was by the end of the day, after going through all that day's mess and after having had time to think about all of the mess of yesterdays that i'd feel down or whatever, but instead i woke up today feeling the way i usually go to bed bad days.
it's a crappy feeling. i just feel generally bad and annoyed. i feel like i'm starting everything off in the hole, a relatively deep hole too, and i have to climb myself out.
i feel like there's a lot of stuff i need to be doing right now, but i don't want to do any of it. i don't want to call the girl about the apartment in greensboro, i don't want to do the test out assignments, i don't want to fill out all my financial aid information. i want to just feel good. i want to be able to call Him, tell Him i'm just nto feeling good today, and Him come spend time with me. it used to be that just talking to Him and seeing Him was enough to put me in a good mood, but now i'm not really talking to Him about how i'm feeling.
the way i explained it a friend the other day is he's just not into talking really at all anymore and that i'm just not interested in talking right now cause i don't really know how i feel, but that's not completely true cause i do know i feel bad. today, or at least this morning anyway i feel bad. i don't completely know why but at the same time its hard not to imagine that i wouldn't be feeling at least a little better if i'd at least woken up next to Him.
i was hoping writing would make me feel a little better and it did a little, but now i think i need a more mindless distraction. mindless isn't really right, just less personal. right now i need a less personal distraction.
i've been listening a lot to pop radio music lately. sometimes i want to go on car rides just so i can listen and stare out the window (i'd usually rather ride than drive, easier to let someone else to all the work and just be able to sit back). i really like going on rides with my mom, or at least i like them when she'll let me just sit back and listen to music. a lot of the time she wants to talk and i don't want to, i don't want her judgement, but i don't want to argue either. still on the whole i'd say i'd rather drive around quiet with her than by myself which i guess is hypocritical cause whenever i'm with Him and he just wants to be quiet i take it so personally and get hurt and upset. He says i'm too sensitive.
last night He hurt me. we were in town and He'd just smoked. He'd asked me if i wanted to but i didn't. i like smoking but not as often as he does and the thought of it just made me feel sick then. if i'd smoked we probably would have sat and talked for a while, but it seemed like since i didn't that He just wanted to drop me off and head on "home." anyway that part doesn't matter, the part that matters is when one of His friends showed up and the moment i started telling him goodnight He jumped up and got out of the truck before i'd* even had a chance to get out myself and started walking away. He doesn't see how it hurts me for Him to walk away from me, completely disengaged, already in his head somewhere else before I'm ready to leave a moment. it's disrespectful and hurtful but He doesn't see it. He does this kind of thing all the time and it doesn't matter if I talk to him about it cause He'll just say that I'm being to sensitive. it hurts. that's the kind of thing that sticks with you too. that was pretty much the last thing that happened to me before I came home. after He left me there in the truck I got out, say "hey" to his friends, got in my car, and went to my respective "home." after that saw my parents but didn't talk to them, didn't feel up to it, took my medication, maybe wrote a little, and went to bed, and now its the next morning and i woke up feeling all sour. I don't know.
I don't know. I think today i'm gonna try to buy a copy of edgar allen poe's work. I remember liking the bits that I read. he seems like an interesting person and I guess I think I'd like to get to know him and his work.
* initially I decided to capitalize "he," "him," and "his" when referring to Him to distinguish Him from anyone else since I don't feel like describing Him directly yet, but I feel like to capitalize Him and not me, or "I" rather might be patronizing and degrading to myself. I'm not sure that it is, but I don't want to take the risk, so even though I don't care about capital "i"s in the personal sense I'm gonna start capitalizing them anyway from the seeking empowerment and self-respect perspective.
it's a crappy feeling. i just feel generally bad and annoyed. i feel like i'm starting everything off in the hole, a relatively deep hole too, and i have to climb myself out.
i feel like there's a lot of stuff i need to be doing right now, but i don't want to do any of it. i don't want to call the girl about the apartment in greensboro, i don't want to do the test out assignments, i don't want to fill out all my financial aid information. i want to just feel good. i want to be able to call Him, tell Him i'm just nto feeling good today, and Him come spend time with me. it used to be that just talking to Him and seeing Him was enough to put me in a good mood, but now i'm not really talking to Him about how i'm feeling.
the way i explained it a friend the other day is he's just not into talking really at all anymore and that i'm just not interested in talking right now cause i don't really know how i feel, but that's not completely true cause i do know i feel bad. today, or at least this morning anyway i feel bad. i don't completely know why but at the same time its hard not to imagine that i wouldn't be feeling at least a little better if i'd at least woken up next to Him.
i was hoping writing would make me feel a little better and it did a little, but now i think i need a more mindless distraction. mindless isn't really right, just less personal. right now i need a less personal distraction.
i've been listening a lot to pop radio music lately. sometimes i want to go on car rides just so i can listen and stare out the window (i'd usually rather ride than drive, easier to let someone else to all the work and just be able to sit back). i really like going on rides with my mom, or at least i like them when she'll let me just sit back and listen to music. a lot of the time she wants to talk and i don't want to, i don't want her judgement, but i don't want to argue either. still on the whole i'd say i'd rather drive around quiet with her than by myself which i guess is hypocritical cause whenever i'm with Him and he just wants to be quiet i take it so personally and get hurt and upset. He says i'm too sensitive.
last night He hurt me. we were in town and He'd just smoked. He'd asked me if i wanted to but i didn't. i like smoking but not as often as he does and the thought of it just made me feel sick then. if i'd smoked we probably would have sat and talked for a while, but it seemed like since i didn't that He just wanted to drop me off and head on "home." anyway that part doesn't matter, the part that matters is when one of His friends showed up and the moment i started telling him goodnight He jumped up and got out of the truck before i'd* even had a chance to get out myself and started walking away. He doesn't see how it hurts me for Him to walk away from me, completely disengaged, already in his head somewhere else before I'm ready to leave a moment. it's disrespectful and hurtful but He doesn't see it. He does this kind of thing all the time and it doesn't matter if I talk to him about it cause He'll just say that I'm being to sensitive. it hurts. that's the kind of thing that sticks with you too. that was pretty much the last thing that happened to me before I came home. after He left me there in the truck I got out, say "hey" to his friends, got in my car, and went to my respective "home." after that saw my parents but didn't talk to them, didn't feel up to it, took my medication, maybe wrote a little, and went to bed, and now its the next morning and i woke up feeling all sour. I don't know.
I don't know. I think today i'm gonna try to buy a copy of edgar allen poe's work. I remember liking the bits that I read. he seems like an interesting person and I guess I think I'd like to get to know him and his work.
* initially I decided to capitalize "he," "him," and "his" when referring to Him to distinguish Him from anyone else since I don't feel like describing Him directly yet, but I feel like to capitalize Him and not me, or "I" rather might be patronizing and degrading to myself. I'm not sure that it is, but I don't want to take the risk, so even though I don't care about capital "i"s in the personal sense I'm gonna start capitalizing them anyway from the seeking empowerment and self-respect perspective.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
All the questions i'm not asking
normally i'm the kinda person who has a million question. i'm curious, really curious, and about just about everything. when i don't understand something i keep picking and picking and picking until i finally think i have my head wrapped around what ever it is that i want to understand, but right now, with Him, i'm not doing that. i don't really know whats going on. i don't know what He's thinking or wanting, but a lot more than normal i don't care. i mean i do but not enough to pick. i mean at least part of that is me not asking cause i know it will just annoy Him and push Him away, but that's rarely stopped me in the past so i know its more than that. i think a lot of why i'm not asking him all those questions is cause i don't know how i'm feeling about all those same question, but more than that. i care but not like i did. i just keep feeling like i'd be happier without Him, but i don't think i want to feel that, so i've been sorta cutting my mind off as much as i can and not asking him what he thinks. its like its already over but i'm not saying anything about it cause of not being ready for it to end and maybe too start something new.
i have been thinking though about some of the experiences that i feel like i've been missing. i think a lot about not being able to experience other people. i've thought about maybe suggesting an open relationship cause of being curious to experience other people but am pretty sure i wouldn't want to share Him. from the start He had been completely mine, i'd had to work hard to keep Him, and don't think we'd stay together anyway if we tried an open relationship. i don't know. right now though i don't think anything other than what we're doing would work, but at the same time i know this wont keep working for long.
i have been thinking though about some of the experiences that i feel like i've been missing. i think a lot about not being able to experience other people. i've thought about maybe suggesting an open relationship cause of being curious to experience other people but am pretty sure i wouldn't want to share Him. from the start He had been completely mine, i'd had to work hard to keep Him, and don't think we'd stay together anyway if we tried an open relationship. i don't know. right now though i don't think anything other than what we're doing would work, but at the same time i know this wont keep working for long.
A "secrete" confession
this blog is a secrete that i haven't told anyone about. i'm bad at secretes. i'm the kinda girl that would be a good bit less socially awkward if only she could keep secretes about herself (i've been told this rather directly before, several times). but this, for now anyway, is a secrete. as far as i know this is the only secrete i have. i know it hasn't been long, but so far i'm enjoying my little secrete. thank-you for indulging me...
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