Any given night which just happened to be last night...

in short i got drunk. but more than just that i got drunk at a bar with a lot of people around, one of which just so happened to be Him, although i'm pretty sure he had virtually no idea since he supposedly drank about twice as much as me, but that part really isn't especially important.

anyways, so i had been planning on staying in for the night with my 'sister' when a friend invited me out for birthday festivities. i later decided to actually go out when an old boyfriend/current good friend/clearly physically interested and also horny boy/ M.R. texted me that he had just met Him for the first time. its like i don't want to be that girl, that stupid, stupid little girl who lets a boy become to much of her life (AGAIN) but then there i was out the door easily an hour sooner than i would have been otherwise.

all in all i did my own thing pretty well. i mean i hung out with my own friends, caught up with a bunch of people and all that mess, but then when it was closing time that's when all my good friends had already left and i wanted Him to really notice me and want me but He didn't really. somewhere between really drunk and still being all the not nice things that are Himself he left without so much as a kiss on the cheek or an "i love you" or anything like that, and that's when, somehow, all the alcohol that i'd drank earlier which really hadn't seemed like all that much, really kicked in.

i told M.R. that no, i would not be going back to stay with him at the hotel he'd booked earlier and instead went with a different boy B.S. (who i'd also had a physical history with several years ago).

lately i've been really surprised at just how lonely boys can be and just how desperate they get when they're lonely like that. to be fair B.S. drove me around, helped me feel better, let me be the (rightfully) upset, but not less upset, drunk girl, stood me up when i needed to be sick, and all that nice stuff, but STILL, even though i was pretty obviously not all together there, started to put his hands on me and up my clothes.

SERIOUSLY: to every young girl that isn't getting the attention from boys that she wants, i promise all that WILL change when you get a little older and start going to bars. it seems ridiculously simple, but that's cause it is. i can't tell you how quality the boys will be or anything like that, but attention you will get, usually seeking it or not, at least after you've broken your shell and had a couple drinks.

now its the next morning: i'm slightly hung over, do seem to have some nastiness on my new suede boots despite my best efforts when i was sick, remember knocking on the door drunk last night so that my pop would let me in since i'd left my keys in my car parked downtown, lost one phone, and have a text on my other phone (yeah i know its a bit silly that i have two phones but haven't wanted to get get rid of my old phone and rely on the new phone that i got with Him back in september when i'd still thought things with Him were "on track") from M.R. saying that "no one has ever made me feel the way you did tonight."

i'm guessing the text is a reference to me making him feel bad for seeming so chummy with Him last night. when i came back to the bar where He and a bunch of other people had been earlier i walked in to hear that He and M.R. had apparently been getting along very well, all that blood-brothers-we've-been-deployed-we-know-what-its-like "stuff" and so i gave M.R. a really hard time cause he's supposed to be MY friend, be on MY side not only because i've been treated badly and put through ridiculous shit that you're not supposed to do to the people you love, are inlove with, and supposedly "committed" yourself and the rest of your life to, but just because he's MY friend. i'm guessing this text, which was apparently sent after at least three failed attempts to call me, is supposed to be some sort of an i-feel-bad-about-hurting-you-and-being-at-all-chummy-with-Him text, but seriously, SERIOUSLY- to all you young girls who aren't getting the attention you want now from boys, do not get texts like this and get week in the knees, or feel touched, or anything like that, cause even if there is some sincerity and sweetness to it, which there probably is, its not enough to make up for how lonely and by default desperate he, really any boy if the time is right, is. if you give in to him his loneliness will fade and you'll be left holding onto whatever pieces of yourself you can find. if might take a while, but more than more than likely it will all fade and you'll end up the even lonelier, desperate one. don't start or continue anything, if you can and its not already too late, out of loneliness and desperation. in the end you wont respect yourself or at least you shouldn't anyway.